life of arctic sounds

i want you. i want you.

i want you now more than ever. dear jesus, i want you.

i promise you. PROMISE YOU. I will steal your fucking heart, because I fucking love you so much that it drives me absolutely insane.
and i promise you. PROMISE YOU. I will never hurt you. i will never betray you. i will always take care of you. i'll always be there for you.

I'm not sure what to consider you anymore.
you used to be my sister, my best friend, my light.

what has happened sister? are we even friends still?
or is every moment i try to keep hold of you completely in vain?
am i really wasting my time trying to hang out with you?
i your respect for me go down every day,
you don't like my lifestyle.

you know, my life doesn't suck because i do drugs
i do drugs because life sucks.
and my life doesn't suck, just everyone's lives in general.
just because you don't agree with my choices,
doesn't mean i'm a bad person.

we've drifted apart, after 9 years, it finally happened.
i'm sorry. if this is the way things are now, then i guess thats the way they are.

oh darling,
i wonder if you know
how much i love you.

every night, before i fall asleep,
i think about you.
every morning, after i wake up,
i think about you.
when I sleep,
you're in my dreams.
when I'm with you,
I feel invincible.

oh darling,
please remember:
i'll be right here waiting for you,
so i can steal your heart,
because you know that i'll cherish it.
i'll treat it like gold.
or like a baby.
or a baby made out of gold.

i feel like i love you like i've never loved before. infact, love has a completely new meaning.

just seeing you makes me happy. seeing you happy makes me happier, though.
but in the end, if things never work out between us and years pass us by and you get married, and even if you moved thousands and thousands of miles away, i would still come to visit you. and if i could do that, and even if it were just once a year, i could live perfectly happy. just knowing someone like you exists makes me happy. i love you.

i wish you loved me instead of her
i wish there was more i could do
i wish i knew where to go from here

too bad you can't wish for love. fairly odd parents taught me that.

I wish you could just see into my head and learn all my thoughts. It's so hard to bring myself to tell you everything my heart wants me to say. My heart feels heavier these days. It's like a big mass of lead has settled itself in there. In reality though, its a giant mass of emotions. Strong feelings for you. I spend all day worrying if you're okay and if you're happy. I spend all day thinking, "God, I wish you were mine. I wish you were mine so bad. I know this is right, I've never felt so sure in my life." Even if everyone else thinks I'm stupid or crazy, I know in my head where I stand and what I'm doing. Being there for you feels right. If I'm wrong, well then, I don't know what to do, or what to say. I'd go crazy for a little bit, maybe. My head is entirely fucked up. I'm blind of everything but you, baby. You give me butterflies whenever I hear your voice or see you, my heart beats faster and i just can't help but smile. You've got a hold of my heart somehow, and you got it good, even if you didn't mean to. I wish i could easily just say, "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you!" like it will change anything. even if it doesn't, i'm still in love with you.

these past days have been an internal struggle to keep my cool. i've just been constantly scared and worried that what happened tonight was going to come. i knew it was coming, but i still wasn't quite prepared. it still struck me kind of hard, but i can see myself recovering easily. you can't help who you love. i understand that there just needs to be more time. who cares about titles anyways, right? :) i was just so scared of this coming, and i want to say you didn't hurt me again, but i can't lie. It hurt. But don't dwell on it too long. I still feel exactly the same as I did this morning or yesterday or a week ago or even when i first started talking to you and working with you at opg. i remember how intrigued by you i was, when you were training me. oh how i was crushing so hard, but you had a girlfriend, so i hid it. and i pretended not to act jealous when jessie came to visit you. i smiled and said hi, and i didn't think i'd ever have a chance with you, so i just let it go over my head.

i'm still here for you, no matter what. i love you unconditionally, and i want to do everything in my power to bring you the world. i just want you to be happy, even if i really gotta work to help bring that to you :)

my heart beats heavy,
but i stand steady;
my heart is still yours.

life ain't great,
but it's not too bad.
i just get by,
fillin' my lungs to forget
what makes me sad.

understanding is easy,
accepting is hard,
and forgiving is even harder,
but my heart is still yours.
i can do it all,
i can conquer it.

there is something, someone, i want to write about.

well, too, kinda. idk.


i'm just having trouble putting the thought into words the best way i can imagine :\

I've had such a weird past few days. Not necessarily bad, at all. But it definitely had its weird and awkward, nerve wrecking moments. It's okay though. I still had a good time, thanks to a certain wonderful someone ;)

My mom met Spencer today for the first time. Oh my god, so terribly awkward for me. My mom is so horribly embarrassing; it kills me! Spencer said he had fun though, and it really wasn't that bad. She didn't do anything weird or embarrassing this time, so whatever.

I've been gaining a higher interest in music, if that was even possible at all in the first place. Same with video games, though I've always loved video games. I dunno, i have a heightened interest in everything lately, it's great :D

    You know the sound crows make? It sounds just like the Japanese word for fool.


    I was a fool to think that things would work out the way I'd like. I was a fool to ever imagine us happy together a few months down the road. I've always been a fool, and I'm sure that I'll never stop being a fool. I'm easily manipulated and easily swayed. I fall in love too easy for it to be anywhere near healthy. My life has never been easy, but in comparison to other's, its definitely not been hard. Unfortunately, I am weak, and I can't handle the curveballs life throws at me. Smoke keeps filling my lungs, but no longer can I forget my struggles. My head is cloudy and my heart is heavy and in pieces. I have no ambition at this point. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to work.
    I'm a fool to keep hoping that one day you'll realize I'm the better person. That you'll fall in love with me and love me unconditionally. And I'll foolishly say yes again, because I'm in love with you like a fool. Ahou! Ahou! So many times when we hung out I just wanted to say, "I love you," and let you know how I feel about you, but I was afraid. Afraid it would scare you off, or something.
    Maybe I was a tool in your diabolical plan to get her to fall madly in love with you again and that all the troubles and worries in your lives would magically dissapear. But your plan backfired, didn't it? You can't get what you want, and I can't get what I want. We're both miserable saps in this web of desperation.
    You know nothing will be the same between you and her. She can't trust you, she'll always think you'll have hidden motives. You broke her heart, just like you broke mine. Only, you had a history, didn't you? She won't even talk to you right now, and your miserable. And all I want to do is be able to comfort you and tell you I love you and that I'm still here, because I'm a fool. I can't do that though, can I? It's not fair to have such strong feelings for someone who doesn't share the same emotions for you.
    I love you. And I wish you loved me back.



P.S. I miss Ellen. Why did she have to leave when I need her comfort now more than ever?

More like 5 months since I posted in this thing last. Why am I posting on here? Is anyone going to read it? I'm not sure. All I know is I like to write, so I'm just going to ramble on for about 3 paragraphs, I'm sure. I like Live Journal, even though it reminds me of 9th grade when I was a little emo scenester. Woo.

Well, in a nutshell, for anyone who is wondering and so if someone was reading this, they wouldn't get super confused, since my last blog post, I have broken up with Brett. I felt bad, I liked smoking pot more than him. Sounds pathetic, I know. But still, it wouldn't have been so bad if there wasn't such a big disagreement in opinions on the matter of marijuana. I think it should be legalized. It's fucking stupid that it's not, so fuck. Jesus, that kid has told me at least 3 times now that he hopes I die from smoking marijuana. How fucking stupid. I think he likes making himself like a close minded pretentious prick of an asshole. Honestly. Whatever. Fuck him.

Anyways. I fucked up in school. I kinda just wanna get my GED. I mean, I'm going to Pima anyways, right? So it doesn't matter if I have my associate's degree by the time I go to a traditional University, right? I don't know.

Also, there's a boy I totally like. A lot. Like more than any guy i've ever initially been infatuated with, it feels stronger. I don't know how to describe it or how it happened, because he fucked me over for his ex girlfriend and I still like him all the same. I got a lot of shit from Brett and Emili that I feel i shouldn't have gotten. Its sickening how persistant they are on this idea of someone they don't even know. Sigh. I hope we date. That would be an awesome dream come true. Well, date again, and actually seriously stay together for a while. That would be nice.

i cut off all my hair.

it's cute.

i'll post a pic soon.

I would have to say that today was very satisfactory.

There was lots of teasing and shopping; always loads of fun.

While at the mall with Brett while I was ditching school, we decided that when we live together (its only a year away, which isn't that long really), our house is going to be really well decorated. Brett decreed that the most expensive piece of furniture will be a fucking amazing coffee table for him to put his magazines on. Apparently the plan is that Brett, Jon, Megan and I are to get a house together. I'm sure we'll be able to afford that.

I bought a blanket today and two purple Empyre shirts from Zumiez. I feel satisfied.

Hm, so today I completed a half credit in Vocational Ed. It was 10 Key. I literally completed that course in less than 10 minutes. I also got done with all my lessons in AZ Gov. Tomorrow I'll probably take my post test in AZ History and finish the essays for AZ gov. then take the post test later this week. Then finish up math. Then all the shit on my clipboard will be done.

Yeah. My life is an easy half assed joke. At least I'm graduating early.

So I'm blogging it up, aren't I? yeaaaaah.


No actually I'm pissed at my self because for the like 8th time in a row, I'm sitting here eating cereal at my HOUSE and school started 40 minutes ago.

I woke up 20 minutes ago.

I seriously need to switch to the AM session next semester. I am not capable of waking up on my own. It just doesn't happen.

It's nearly four and I'm not even fucking tired.


Seriously, I shouldn't be allowed near caffeine ever again. It's rotting my soul by not letting me get more than 7 hours of sleep. And when I can sleep, I sleep for 12+ hours. I have a feeling the Lexapro isn't working anymore. It's supposed to make me more emotionally stable, and I am somewhat, and along with that its supposed to make my sleep patterns constant, but does it? no.



I'm just gonna go drink some fucking cranberry juice.